Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
