i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
