just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
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corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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