The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.