where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?