My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(