I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.