i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
