o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
