the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
