I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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