Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
