i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
