just survived the first fart of the relationship.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.