Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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