Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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