Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I booty called her while she was in labor.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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