That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
