Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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