you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
