What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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