I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
