May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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