i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
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Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
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Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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