you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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