I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
