I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
