you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
