You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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