I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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