It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
