dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
