I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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