I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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