you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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