just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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