Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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