You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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