he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
