i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
