it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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