youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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