I can't breathe out the right side of my face
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We had sex on a dog bed..
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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