Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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