I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
