There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
