remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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