theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
