I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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