Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
