If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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