I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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