and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
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Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
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You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.