Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
so let's talk penis.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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