i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
