oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
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I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
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Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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