I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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