so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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