I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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